Comedy - Page 5

(To the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer) You know C.A. and Chrissy and Katie and Bobby, Catherine and Kevin and Laura and Kelly But do you recall The most famous admin of all? Quinny the dean of school life, had a very special job (it was real obscure) And if you never saw him, it might seem a little odd All of the other admins, used to laugh and call him names, (like “Chris Levy”!) They never let poor Quinny Play in First Friday games (like the speed walk contest!) Then one drawn out December’s day, Russell came

Cancer Margaret. Your DD (Darling Daughter) goes to Sidwell, and you want everyone to know. You just adore the Quaker spirit and the presence of seven tennis courts. Maret and GDS are mediocre institutions, and the world should know. Taurus Natalie. You are stone cold. You don’t take no for an answer, nor do you take yes for an answer. If the school crossing guard even glances at you, you WILL drive your black Range Rover into the school AND get him fired. Sagitarius Jackie Blank. Your son co-runs the school newspaper and you’re so proud! Aquarius Rachel (pronounced Raquel).

Everybody knows the 2016 election was a tumultuous one. Families were split in heated debates, friendships were destroyed, and relationships were ended. Whether you sported your MAGA hat, your “I’m With Her” bumper sticker, your Jill Stein S’well bottle, or your Gary Johnson male fragrance, it’s clear that everyone was invested in this election. Now that we’ve experienced the first two years of the Trump presidency, many believe that the 2016 election is over, and its results are irreversible. Some wonder what a Clinton presidency would look like right now. Others wonder about their hero Bernie Sanders, and what America

We upperclassmen at the Augur Bit know that being a freshman can be stressful. And scary! So to ease any worry, two of our staff writers sat down with an anonymous incoming freshman and answered their most pressing questions. Q: I heard the seniors throw condoms during the run-in. I don’t even know what a condom is! A: This is not a question. Q: Does the administration force you to juul or is that a rumor? A: Don’t be ridiculous! The administration doesn’t force you to juul, they just encourage it! If you present your student ID card to Kelly

As we usher in the 2018-19 school year, we should all keep in mind the guidelines of formatting an all-school email. Seeing as many of them will inevitably be sent, we here at The Augur Bit have created a five-step solution to ensure that our readers will be able to create the most effective all-school email. Step 1: Choosing a topic This is the step that happens before composing the email and is the most important. Whether you’ve lost your favorite water bottle, your bubbe’s ring that she smuggled through Ellis Island, or your dignity, you’ll probably want to send

When people thought of the members of the non-male affinity group, FMG, one common attribute came to mind: they were all female-identifying. Now, one brave student is starting to change that. Brian Lansburgh (‘20) is the first man to lead an all female-identifying affinity group, shattering the glass floor. At first, many members of the group were hesitant about letting a man into an all-female space; however, they say they’ve come to appreciate Brian’s presence. “Sometimes our female brains get so twisted in knots that we just can’t seem to focus. Brian really knows what us girls want,”  said junior

School been getting you down lately? Well, check out this week’s horoscopes to see how our psychics at the Augur Bit can help facilitate your future decisions. Taurus: Did you recently spend all of your allowance money on Ubering to the Friendship Heights Starbucks, Taurus? Well, maybe only Uber to Coffee Nature. It’s much quicker and a little cheaper of a ride. Support local businesses! Gemini:  Gemini, get off your Pamplemousse La Croix-drinking tuchus and get a job! We’re worried sick about you back at the farm! Pisces: You’re not like other girls! You ordered Shane Stant to take out

Every Friday from 8:00 pm to 10:00 pm, I designate time in my busy schedule to view the hit NBC show, American Ninja Warrior. On this show, contestants compete to climb Mount Midoriyama, a mountain composed of assorted physical challenges, for a prize of $500,000. As I watched a rerun of the second part of the Denver qualifying challenge that originally aired last October, I noticed something quite peculiar about the popular program: there were no Georgetown Day School contestants on the show. Now, there are only two ways that this atrocity could have come to pass; either by the

With the publication of Michael Wolff’s new book, Fire and Fury, the public received a window into the administration of Donald Trump. It shocked readers, and gave a wild insight into how the nation is run. The young journalists at The Augur Bit were inspired to do the same: this is our tell-all article exposing the secrets of the administration of the Georgetown Day High School. Relying on hidden microphones and unnamed sources, we journalists are providing our trusted readers with information we think the public needs to know. The details, in the opinion of this journalist, are truly shocking.

Throughout history, humankind has been challenged by a number of age-old questions. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Why do bad things happen to good people? Is there a God? But no question is as trivial, as controversial, or as provoking as to whether a hot dog should be classified as a sandwich. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines a sandwich as: “two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between.” On the surface, it seems that Merriam-Webster would consider hot dogs to be sandwiches, as they are classically served as a grilled cylindrical piece