The Bit’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Dear freshmen,

In these, as some would say, unprecedented times, we regret your inability to attend in-person classes. Don’t worry, ditching assemblies midway just became as easy as the click of a button! As great as Zooming to school will be, here at the Augur Bit we’d like to catch you up on any high school lingo and locations you may miss from your bedroom. 

The first stop on our tour of the high school campus is the Forum. It wouldn’t be high school without arbitrary seating hierarchies. During a traditional school year, you would sit in the freshman pit. Imagine minor discomfort, then enlarge it by a couple hundred moles. To practice, hold your phone right above your head, then move it a foot back. Now that our projector simulation is set up, play a video, but stop it about every ten seconds, turn the phone off and start again. Stretch your neck as necessary and repeat. 

Usually, you find this out during the freshman lock-in, but I’ll let you in on one of the best kept GDS secrets. Would you like to know how SSC candidates are elected? Newsflash! They’re lying to you. Your vote does not elect the representatives. Instead, they contribute to their ranking as they battle Hunger Games style. There is a reason why Ella Farr always wins. The secret is in her s’more bars. Have you ever seen her eat any of her baked goods? She may claim that she is “allergic” to them, but at the Augur Bit, we know the real reason. 

As you may know, with ONE GDS, the original Davenport Street campus had to make some sacrifices. In order to fund Katie Gibson’s penthouse suite, GDS no longer pays for DC water. Instead, we have the Well. You may ask, oh wise senior, what is the Well? You may ask that, but I am not promising an answer. The Well is GDS’ one and only source of water. After geologists discovered an old well buried deep beneath John Burghardt’s room, he was suddenly evicted and Bobby Asher, with his bare hands, dug out the Well. What can you use the Well for? Need a sip of water before, during or after English class? The Well has your back. Need a place to bathe after PE? The Well has your back. Need some water for your ramen? I highly recommend using water in your ramen. Be better than those who came before you. The Well has your back.

Some schools have taco Tuesday, but at GDS we’re not like other schools— we’re quirky. We have Boli’s Pizza instead. You may think, I’ve had Boli’s Pizza. To that I say, you may have had Boli’s pizza, but have you ever had the slice?? To fully immerse yourself in the GDS experience, next Tuesday go to Boli’s and for the same price as an entire pizza, you can get the largest slice of pizza that will make you question life. Rumor has it that the pizza that all the slices come from is even bigger than Sidwell students’ egos. This article is sponsored by Boli’s Pizza ©. Try our new double-decker pizza every weekend on Tuesdays!

EJ Joseph ’21

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