Dear Abby

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Dear Abby,

I find it hard to maintain essentially a long-distance relationship during quarantine with my s/o, who I used to see every day at school. We don’t have anything to talk about—what should we do?

Dear troubled lover,

Both Abbys feel unqualified to give any real advice in response to this question. We do, though, understand that this must be very tricky. So we have composed a substantial list of things to talk about. 

  1. The weather
  2. The view from your window as you sit in bed watching Netflix
  3. The comfort of your bed
  4. What you dreamed about while in your bed
  5. Your bed
  6. The Netflix show you are watching
  7. If you were a character in the Netflix show you are watching, what character would you be?
  8. If you were a Cheetah Girl, which Cheetah Girl would you be?
  9. If you were a member of One Direction, who would you be?
  10. The conversation someone else in your family is having
  11. The worst thing a family member has done (you can probably update your s/o on this every day!)
  12. The November election
  13. Statistics
  14. Calculus 
  15. Differential equations (except neither of us paid much attention in that class. Tom, if you are reading this, we are exaggerating for comedic effect. Probably.)
  16. How differential equations are used to model the coronavirus curve (Jason, we did watch the video you sent. Here is proof!)
  17. How Abby and Abby made your question to Dear Abby about how they are proving to their math teachers that they do work
  18. Your pee
  19. Your poops (There’s an app called Poop Map where you can get a notification every time your s/o poops!)
  20. Has your poop cycle changed during your new schedule?
  21. What is your new schedule?
  22. At what time do you brush your teeth every morning and night?
  23. Have you been flossing? (You have the time now, so no excuses…)
  24. And using mouthwash?
  25. Have you been reading anything?
  26. What have you been reading?
  27. Or, have you been staring at a book sitting next to your bed, pretending like you are reading it, but actually you don’t have any motivation to do that?
  28. Or worse, have you been opening the book every night only to reread the same page over and over until your eyes get tired and you fall asleep?
  29. Has your mom told you that you need to stop reading/watching Harry Potter yet? (If not, reconsider how you’re spending your time. And if you haven’t read them, don’t buy copies and support J.K. Rowling. Instead, read them all on sketchy websites. They’re easy to find; don’t worry.)
  30. Will Abby and Abby graduate?
  31. How clean is your room on a scale of neat to tornado?
  32. Have you tried cleaning your room? Or, have you been planning to clean your room for weeks but lack the motivation to organize your stuff?
  33. Talk about this list. Why are you still reading it?
  34. Ask your s/o: are Abby and Abby going to keep adding things until they get to fifty suggestions? Are they that bored? 
  35. What’s your favorite color? But go really in depth; for example, “my favorite color is the color of sunlight hitting green leaves in the summer time while on a long run through the woods.”
  36. Do you collect anything?
  37. What’s your favorite animal?
  38. If you could go anywhere, where would you go? 
  39. What is your favorite memory?
  40. What is your favorite memory with your s/o? Chat about it!
  41. Who is your favorite person in the world?
  42. Are you happy? 
  43. Are you lonely?
  44. What are your deepest darkest secrets?
  45. What is something that you lied to your parents about when you were five? For me, it was when I broke a plate and tried to hide it. For the other me, I ate candy my mom hid.
  46. If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be?
  47. If you had to choose a medieval job, what would it be? (i.e shoe cobbler, blacksmith, alchemist, etc.)
  48. What’s your favorite answer to an icebreaker question? (not favorite question—favorite answer)
  49. If you need our advice to talk to your s/o, should you really be dating them?

Congrats! You made it to the end. Didn’t mean that last one. IT WAS A TEST! You passed. Now go talk to your s/o. About anything. Literally.

Abby Murphy ’20 and Abby Brickman ’20

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