Margaret. Your DD (Darling Daughter) goes to Sidwell, and you want everyone to know. You just adore the Quaker spirit and the presence of seven tennis courts. Maret and GDS are mediocre institutions, and the world should know.
Natalie. You are stone cold. You don’t take no for an answer, nor do you take yes for an answer. If the school crossing guard even glances at you, you WILL drive your black Range Rover into the school AND get him fired.
Jackie Blank. Your son co-runs the school newspaper and you’re so proud!
Rachel (pronounced Raquel). Temple Sinai is the poorest excuse for a Jewish institution in the DMV. If your darling child doesn’t go to Adas Israel, then are they truly Jewish? It’s Bar Mitzvah season for young Jacob, and now is NOT the time to mess around.
Jennifer, but your friends call you Jen. You attend your book group but never read the book. It’s the first thing you tell people when you say you’re in a book club. Haha!
Melissa. You saw a kid wearing pajamas at GDS and reported it to social services. “There’s no excuse for a child to ever look comfortable at school! What’s next? Opium addiction?”
Sharon. If anyone even tries to tell you that the Bullis soccer team is better than Potomac’s, you will literally start a riot! Young Axel is the star of the DMV, and is currently being recruited to Harvard even though he’s only in the 8th grade.
Celeste. You’re a free-spirited hippie. You only buy the Whole Foods-brand cereal instead of normal Kashi. It’s just more organic! Your child is homeschooled because of bullying from the “catty” girls at Holton Arms even though your DD went to Field.
Patricia. Your DS (Darling Son) may not have gotten into Sidwell or St. Albans, but that’s okay because you were looking for a progressive school anyhow. The GDS vs. Sidwell Soccer game is the highlight of your year!
Terri. To prove how much you love your kids, you gave up your beautiful house in upper-Northwest DC for a mediocre 4,000 square foot teardown in “downtown” Bethesda so that they wouldn’t have to go to DCPS. It’s Ivy or nothing for your 3 kids: Grayden, Trayden, and McKendall.
Julie. You wouldn’t miss the Beyonce vs. Rihanna Soulcycle class for the world! You’ve been experimenting with new green juice recipes. You’ve been on a detox since 11am today, but now it’s 11:23am and you’re thinking you might just start tomorrow. That Halo Top isn’t going to eat itself!
Linda. You’re the kind of mom to start threads like “what’s your household income” anonymously and then berate other women for their life choices. Go you!
By: Cole Wright-Schaner’19, Lucy Walker’19, and Caroline Katzive’19