Horoscopes

School been getting you down lately? Well, check out this week’s horoscopes to see how our psychics at the Augur Bit can help facilitate your future decisions.

Taurus: Did you recently spend all of your allowance money on Ubering to the Friendship Heights Starbucks, Taurus? Well, maybe only Uber to Coffee Nature. It’s much quicker and a little cheaper of a ride. Support local businesses!

Gemini:  Gemini, get off your Pamplemousse La Croix-drinking tuchus and get a job! We’re worried sick about you back at the farm!

Pisces: You’re not like other girls! You ordered Shane Stant to take out Nancy Kerrigan’s knees with a police baton in order to win the 1994 Winter Olympics figure skating championship. Cute!

Leo: College stressing you out, Leo? Consider not applying. Then you’ll never be rejected!

Cancer: Take Kanye’s words at the end of “Lift Yourself” to heart this week, Cancer (scoopity poop, poop scoop, scoopity whoop).

Aquarius: Do you think you’re “indie” because you own succulent plants? Well you are. Congrats!!

Scorpio: Is Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory” really getting you down this week, Scorpio? Yeah, what the bleep is that clock doing like that? That droopy one? Like, who did that?

Sagittarius: Is Logan your favorite member of Big Time Rush? You’re ignorant Sagittarius. The hottest one is obviously James.

Aries: This month, you may still be unaware of what Louisa May Alcott’s “Little Women” is about. Is it about physically small women? Is it about the perceived small role of women in the 20th century? What is it about?! Please contact the comedy editors and let us know because we are genuinely curious.

Capricorn: Are you Martin Bullock? How’s Switzerland?

By Cole Wright-Schaner’19