Freshman All-School Emails Cause Uproar in GDS Community

Digital illustration by Reid Alexander.

As GDS hopped into action this fall, so did its beloved tradition of all-school emails, now with the addition of the Class of 2025. According to the International Freshman Email Index (IFEI), the GDS freshman class has sent roughly 5.6 x 105 million all-school emails since the start of school—which, according to many, is at least about 20 too many.

On Friday, Oct. 8, sophomore Luke Fedorchak tragically lost his slate gray MacBook Pro with a dark blue case somewhere on the third floor due to GDS’ not one but two good morning fire drills.

Inspired by others’ behavior, Fedorchak decided to send an all-school email alerting the public to keep a vigilant eye out for his laptop. In response, freshmen exchanged a series of all-school emails arguing about whether his technological device was still on Earth. One wrote, “I observed almost-invisible aliens abducting the laptop last evening at 5:31 pm. I couldn’t communicate with them, but I believe that they’ve taken it to Saturn.” While the concern that Fedorchak’s laptop was shipped to a faraway planet like Saturn is reasonable, the message added to the IFEI nonetheless.  

“I think that the freshmen selectively pulled the fire alarm twice to set off the two fire drills,” Fedorchak hypothesized in an interview with the Bit. “That way, I would be forced to walk throughout the entire school, thereby losing my laptop in the process. That way, they could hide the laptop, which would incite me to send the all-school email, which would be a code and a signal for them to start cracking the jokes.” 

Hoppers who saw the email can breathe easy now because Fedorchak’s slate gray MacBook Pro in a dark blue case has been recovered! Someone found it about a week after the initial loss on a chair in his advisory room. Fedorchak said he is currently interviewing former secret service agents who could guard his belongings while at school and prevent further shenanigans. 

When the emails grabbed senior Eli Faber’s attention, the extra junk in his inbox was more than he could stand. The GDS wifi can only transmit so many emails a day, and the gosh darn freshmen were wasting them! He huffed, and he puffed, and he replied to their replies with a solution: a petition called “Restrict Freshman Email Access.” It proposes that the Class of 2025 be collectively limited to sending one email a month. They would have to strategize what to include in it in advance. Even freshmen themselves who commented on Faber’s petition online have described the emails as “annoying” and “immature.”

Faber explained to the Bit, “If you add to an email chain and you’re funny, it’s okay, but the root of the problem is this year’s freshman class isn’t very funny.” Rumors that Faber is tirelessly using his position on the Disciplinary Consultation Committee (DCC) to replace 9th-grade seminar with comedy classes have emerged. Alas, he has so far faced difficulties because the DCC does not have the power to change course curricula.

On Friday, Oct. 22, a freshman once again took to messaging the entire high school, this time to notify everyone of his lost wallet, which is black with just one card inside it. In a stunning move, another freshman decided to type “F” and click “reply all.” At the time of this article’s publication, Faber’s petition had received 104 digital signatures. Some students have suggested that Head of School Russell Shaw knight him as Sir Eli for his work to fight the calamity at hand.

Freshman Sophia Ades, who speaks for the Class of 2025, personally doesn’t get the hype of sending mass messages to the whole school. “I would literally rather die than send an all-school email,” she shared in a candid interview with the Bit. Ades hasn’t heard anything about freshmen stealing others’ belongings so they could send email chains (the accusation Fedorchak leveled) but wouldn’t put it past her classmates. “The freshmen aren’t that bad, though,” she added quickly. “Can you put that in? I don’t want them to hate me.”

Junior Jacqueline Metzger, the Student Staff Council (SSC) vice president, who signed Faber’s petition, said the GDS community can learn from history as it navigates the pressing scandal of freshmen’s all-school emails. Four score and something years ago, Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence of Americans’ “unalienable rights.”

While the freshmen’s emails show their heartwarming interest in being a part of the community, Metzger believes that “freshmen, like all humans, have certain unalienable rights, but also alienable rights that can be removed. Thomas Jefferson didn’t get to writing the freshman section of the Declaration of Independence, so it’s up to us to define their rights.” 

According to Metzger, the SSC’s official stance on the affair of the century is that “everyone in the school is in support of freshmen, but not while they’re sending emails. We’re all there for them individually. But as a collective?” Metzger paused to think. “No.”