As GDS students know, every Tenleytown establishment has its own personality. So The Augur Bit’s Comedy section decided to match the vibes of various Tenleytown hotspots to zodiac signs. Did we get yours right?
Aries — Pete’s: Pete’s is most definitely an Aries. It’s bustling and social, but it definitely thinks it is the main character. Pete’s is not quite as main character-y as it thinks it is, but it still is a leading establishment in the Tenley community, so the arrogance comes from a place of truth. Honestly, you have the same main-character complex, but in most cases it’s not completely unjustified. Also, every Aries I’ve met has the same energy as a slice of Pete’s classic cheese pizza.
Taurus — Panera: I feel like I don’t even have to explain this one; the names Taurus and Panera just have the same energy. You’re an earth sign and Panera’s color is green. It just makes sense. However, you’re also stubborn, and Panera employees aren’t exactly known for being the most helpful and friendly. Panera gives your character and stubbornness a chance to shine.
Gemini — Steak ’n Egg: Let’s face it, Steak ’n Egg is a weird place, but so are you. Open until ungodly hours of the night, Steak ’n Egg is a perfect place for Geminis who never go to bed. Sure, the establishment is a bit sketch, but the food is genuinely pretty good. So it has many layers and can be quite polarizing to consumers, just like your two-faced self.
Cancer — Wawa: Here’s the thing: I don’t know a lot of people who love to go to Wawa above everywhere else. Therefore, if you do, then you must be a very passionate and loyal person, just like a Cancer. When you’re on a road trip, right when you don’t think you could pass another Wawa, it always shows up for you, probably next to a corn field, to meet all your “fresh” food needs. Similarly, you are always there for your friends and loved ones, anywhere—even when they’ve seen enough of you. Plus, Cancers are known to cry a lot… and “wawa” is a crying sound, after all.
Leo — McDonald’s: At McDonald’s, the golden arches are a welcoming sign to you Leo kings and queens. As a Leo, you like to stand out and be the center of attention—so what restaurant could be better for you than the one that stands out most embarrassingly? According to Yelp, the McDonald’s in Tenleytown is a solid 2.5-star fast food restaurant, and Adiam B. from Georgetown, Washington, D.C., says it is “By far the worse Mc Donald I ever bern to.” While Leos enjoy luxury, you definitely like McDonald’s the most and make it a personality trait—because what could be more luxurious than the Tenleytown McDonald’s?
Virgo — Whole Foods: Ah, Whole Foods—definitely not the cheapest of grocery stores. As a Virgo, you’re a hard worker—some would even call you a control freak. You like Whole Foods because you can demonstrate all the hard work you put into making money by buying whatever you want from there, and everything is organized in perfect control freak fashion. Plus, in the healthy eating workshop you took over the weekend, your instructor probably said Whole Foods is THE place to get food.
Libra — Bandit Taco: Ah, Libras…. Most people like you, but your personalities tend to come off more subdued. Everyone likes Bandit. It’s definitely a D.C.-favorite taco place, but it has a quiet presence. There’s not really a bad thing to say about it, but nothing overwhelmingly fantastic to say about it either. Love to you both, though!
Scorpio — Chipotle: I can’t think of a place better for you Scorpios than Chipotle. For starters, getting to customize what goes in your burrito gives your creativity a chance to shine. While you pick what goes into your meal, you can pretend you’re Pablo Picasso creating a collage with all your favorite ingredients. Once you go down the line creating your collage, you get to talk with the nice person at the cash register. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think anyone at the Chipotle cash register has ever actually been able to hear what I’ve said before. This is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your assertiveness by speaking loudly. If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, I would say Chipotle feels more like home to you than your own house.
Sagittarius — Dunkin’ Donuts: Pink and orange, dunkin, donuts, coffee, cups and Charli D’Amelio… all words that come to mind when I think of Dunkin’ Donuts. Sagittarius isn’t one of them, but apparently you’re a fire sign, and pink and orange are undoubtedly very fiery colors. With endless donut flavors to pick from, or about 25, there is opportunity to be spontaneous, just like a Sagittarius, and get the chocolate frosted donut with sprinkles instead of the chocolate frosted donut without them.
Capricorn — Satay Club: Capricorn, you are Satay Club. Capricorns are hardworking and independent. Satay Club is an independent establishment with hardworking staff. Sure, maybe the vibe is a little stiff, but the menu is robust and the food is good. There’s definitely at least something on the menu that would be good enough for our little perfectionist Capricorn.
Aquarius — Rome Pizza & Sub: Aquarius, you are notably the weirdest sign of the zodiac. What’s weirder than Rome Pizza & Sub? Even its shape is weird. And they put pineapple on pizza. Of course you would put pineapple on pizza. I don’t know if you’re going to be too happy about this one, but it had to be said.
Pisces — Coffee Nature: Pisces, you are creative and thoughtful. Coffee Nature embodies peace and creative energy. The cozy atmosphere and artwork from local artists on the wall would typically be appealing to you. Plus, everyone loves a friendly visit with Joseph Oh; so you’re welcome, Pisces. We gave you a good one. You owe us.