It finally happened: Another school year has begun. Like the rest of you emerald-clad land-crustaceans (colloquially known as grasshoppers), I couldn’t be happier. The new school year has already presented innumerable joys—my first time making it through a full week of classes unscathed by academic probation, for example. But the greatest joy of all has been hearing your beautiful, unsuspecting voices ring through the halls once again. For the past 119 days, I’ve spent my time collecting quotes to share with you all upon our return to Davenport Street, and I’m delighted to present to you my favorite statements I’ve overheard.
On the first day of school: “Oh my God, I haven’t been this insufferable all summer!”
“Continents are, like, a man-made thing, you know?”
“Hey! What did I say about segregation in this class?”
“My grandpa said I can’t go to Brown ’cause it’s a ‘soft Ivy.’”
“Oh my God, I love your tongue.”
“So, I’m sorry if I flash you, but it’s not my fault—it’s theirs.”
“Do you think I could write my dissertation on pigeons? ’Cause I have enough things to say.”
“Equal opportunity! Women can be made stupid by education, too.”
“These are my emotional-support walnuts.”
“I love it when Chris [Levy] talks. It’s like a motivational podcast.”
“Oh my God, I am molesting the tree!”
“He’s not in prison. He just has a misdemeanor charge now.”
“I’ve never looked so straight in my life…posture-wise.”
“I’m chewing on, like, an adult chew toy.”
“Doesn’t that sound good? An AI rabbi?”
“I was deathly afraid of Pete the Cat. I would start crying when I saw those yellow eyes.”
“When somebody you hate’s dog dies, what kind of gift do you give them?”
“GDS is a family. And families don’t have unions.”
“Anyways, that was the last time I made a blood offering.”
“We all have our special skills. You’re good at math, and you’re good at making weed…”
“The Bit is a lifestyle. The Bit is an expression. The Bit is a home. The Bit is everything your parents are not.”