Welcome all, once again, to your favorite part of The Augur Bit. This past year of gleeful eavesdropping has been nothing but a grand success, even as the threat of a Hopper-less summer has attempted to dampen my spirits. It is with a heavy heart that I tell you this “Overheard” will be my last of the school year. What will I miss most? The obvious answer would be the glory, but the truth is that I’ll miss something much simpler: the nervous looks I receive from my teachers following their most notable statements and, on occasion, my classmates’ whispered advice to write a quote down. Nothing brings this community together like quotes that are best kept anonymous, which is why it is my great joy to present to you this year’s final installment of “Overheard.”
“If he were running a sweatshop, it would not go very well. He is not very effective at all.”
“You need to be wearing pants in case an ice cream truck comes by.”
“Yesterday, when I showed you the monkey I got for my birthday, you were, like, pitying. So I was like, ‘Okay, I definitely got a C-.’”
“It’s one of those outfits that could work on a Utah boy or a masc lesbian. But I’m vibing with it.”
“Our conclusion should be a lot of the death statistics and stuff, but, like, in a good way.”
“They’re opening up a dispensary behind my house, and Quinn Killy is sooo mad about it.”
“I had a phase where I converted many people out of being pansexual.”
“Look at the half glass full!”
“The what?”
“No one talks about how hard the lives of privileged kids are when they have to write essays. I faced no challenges.”
“I hope that my teeth are the ones I was born with.”
“I don’t know what the gold standard is. I thought it was ‘Treat people how you want to be treated.’”
“Dude. Winston Churchill was spitting bars.”
“I think maybe the worst thing about me is that I like cottage cheese.”
“I feel stupid sometimes, and then I’m like, ‘Why am I even here?’…At GDS, I mean.”
“Can you just give us all 100s and say you have Alzheimer’s?”
“I thought the Netherlands were in Utah until, like, a week ago.”
“I liked what your mom put on SchoolPass. ‘Reason for absence: senior.’”
“You know what I figured out is fun to say when you see people? ‘Hello, friends and foes.’”
“No, no, no. The killing part would be hard. But the figuring-out-when-to-do-it part would not be the hardest.”
“How many times have I cried to David Sarpal? Can’t even count.”
“Don’t put that in The Augur Bit. That’s not my best work, Annabelle.”