Overheard at GDS: Academic Purgatory Edition

Illustration by Chloe Sachs ’28.

In the words of Snoop Dogg at the beginning of “California Gurls”: Greetings, loved ones. I write today from the purgatory that is the two-month period between spring break and the end of the school year. Yet even as my teachers pummel me with major assessments, this spring is markedly sweet: My fellow grasshoppers seem to have become even more prolific in their ability to offer up somewhat ridiculous statements for the sake of my ever-noble journalistic pursuits. So, after 34 days of dedicated eavesdropping, I come to share the following musings with you.

“If I had a sleepover with you and just walked into your parents’ room and slept in their bed, I don’t think they’d say anything.”

“Guys, I would be a wonderful male bird. Can I just demonstrate?”

“Autocracy is my favorite kind of -cracy.”

“I think I’m making myself baby food on accident.”

“Can you guys just figure out who in our grade has the most houses, so I can befriend them?”

“Birthday wish list—colon—straitjacket.”

“Does your family come from your mom’s or dad’s side?”

“You know, I wonder what would happen if I tried to staple somebody to me.”

“In this equation, C is special, just like many of you.”

“I feel maternal for the Oxford comma. Let it shine, bro.”

Looking through a kaleidoscope: “If I ever get high and it’s not like this, I’m gonna be really sad.”

“I don’t think I’m gonna die when I die; I think I’m gonna evaporate.”

“How do you convert grams to moles again?”

“He checks for completion, not for correctness.”

“It feels like she’s in a polyamorous relationship with herself.”

“Oh my God, wait. Crazy hot take, guys. Camping is just pretending you’re homeless for fun.”

“Well, I just had one medicine cup of marshmallows.”

“Am I perfect? No. Am I kind? Eh. Not always.”

“Is your nose, like, dehydrated?”

“I’ve never fed it before. I usually eat through my mouth.”

“So, George Washington, John Adams…did I miss any so far?”

“Do not put that in The Augur Bit. Please.”