I remember all those years ago when my 14-year-old mind was corrupted by doubts and fears as I went forth on my arduous journey of starting high school. I remember wishing there were some kind of list telling me exactly what to do or not do; specifically, I wished there were a list that was easily accessible — perhaps on a website that also posts interesting and thought-provoking pieces. Well, never fear, my dear frosh! I have suffered three years without such a list just to make one specially designed for you! It’s a foolproof list, and you should take everything I say seriously.
- DO NOT get to class on time.
Teachers hate it when you get to the classroom before them. They truly want you to come in after the bell so they are settled in and ready to welcome you into class with warm cookies and hot chocolate. If you get to class before the bell, the teacher won’t get a chance to prepare your yummy snack, and trust me, you do not want to start your geometry class without some fuel. I recommend getting to class five to ten minutes after the bell for optimal snack conditions.
- Skip meeting with your teachers; meet with their colleagues instead!
Nobody knows your English teacher’s class better than their desk neighbor. Make sure to catch them on their way to lunch — they are so passionate about helping their colleagues that they would skip a meal for them. Bonus points for grabbing them right before they enter the lower/middle school cafeteria!
- There actually IS a cafeteria in the high school.
The super secret lunchroom is located under the garage. You’ll have to pass the super tough bouncer first. Brad Linde is a brick wall when it comes to letting you in. Make sure to incorporate the word “jazzy” when trying to get on his good side. If you use it five times in one sentence, you’re a shoo-in to be let into the most exclusive lunch club in town!
- Get an extension for every assignment.
Forget junior year — freshman year was the toughest, most stressful and time-consuming year of my entire high school career. Give yourself a week off, and let spending the whole day in the proctoring room be next week’s problem.
- Always write as little as possible for every single essay.
Your teachers are busy bees! Save them some time by writing fewer words. The less you write, the more credit you get. If you get a zero on your 50-word paper, your teacher will love you for your concision so much that they might just give you an extra 20 points!
Note: Just kidding, guys! Don’t take any of these rules seriously. After all, the true number one rule in high school is to never trust anyone — even your seminar teacher.