Well, my dear Grasshoppers, it’s June of 2024: the end of my senior year. I remember when I tried to join The Augur Bit at the beginning of freshman year, but I forgot to sign up in time. No one thought I’d write for the paper this long — including me. But here we are…I don’t really want to talk about it, actually. Over the years, my collections of bizarre quotes spoken by the school community have faced a wide range of responses. Once, a teacher recognized her words in one of my works and confronted me. Another time, a parent of a junior invited me over to hang out because she was such a fan. Often, I get asked where a quote came from, and I hate to break it to you, but after I write it down, it’s just as much a mystery to me as it is to you. No matter the reaction or context, I’ve never shied away from courageously providing you with the truth. And I’ve delivered the same hard-hitting journalism in my Farewell Edition. So farewell. I know you’ll never forget me.
“I know how to turn it on with certain teachers.”
“I feel like burnt toast would be solo-polyamory.”
“They’ve talked about you in my ear.”
“She knows secrets about intertwining toes that you never will.”
“Everybody, I have two nipples, and I’m proud of it.”
“He sleeps with me almost every night. He has a twin brother named Harold.”
Speaking about a turkey.
“I’m touching people on all sides like I never have before.”
“Everyone wants a 20-foot cardboard cutout of themselves as a clown.”
“Yo, tell him there’ll be 30 Mormon baddies pulling up if he hosts.”
“And she smoked weed and whatnot, and she probably works for the president and whatnot.”
Who is she???
“Our nerds of the school fell off this year.”
“I started crying in math class because Julia remembered my favorite method of u-substitution.”
“Just spent all my money on two men from Ohio.”
“Bethesda was the first place I ever jaywalked.”
“Can I hug you tomorrow?”
“Would it be kidnapping to shuttle freshmen to different parts of Tenleytown?”
“I have had the biggest headache all day, and I realized it’s from the sound of my own voice. Does that happen to anyone?”
“Yeah, but I kind of want to be a sex therapist. I was talking about this with my math teacher…”
“Caroline thought I was saying the cops needled me.”
“Dude, remember when I completely mimicked your whole dancing style?”
“I’m not getting a sorority consultant. My boobs are enough.”
“If I told my mom I’m not gonna go to college, I’m gonna do online school so I can see Billie Eilish, she’d lose her mind.”
“He was like, ‘What’s in this room stays in this room,’ and it hasn’t.”
“If the goat is not out of here by tomorrow at noon, you and your girlfriend and the goat can go live in your car.”
“I just found out my best friend on Animal Jam is seven. Her name’s goofygirl382.”
“We are BFFs. He chewed my shirt for hours.”
“Annabel, you cannot put that in The Augur Bit.”
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that one.