I hope we’re in agreement that February is the best month—it’s the month after my half-birthday, after all. To celebrate my half-and-six-days, the school held a party with all the works: ball gowns from the lost and found, Rome Pizza and Sub catered and we used the plastic knife on the tech desk to cut the cake. Even Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog was there. I’m sorry I couldn’t invite all of you, but there really is only so much room in the school to fit people. Out of the kindness of my heart, though, I’ve decided to grant public access to the party favor. Please enjoy an assemblage of statements I’ve overheard in our beloved community.
“My uncle is a cult leader. I just found this out last night.”
“Someone’s nail was in my hair and it was not mine.”
“I’ve never been the same since the Mexican cartel beheading.”
“If either of my grandchildren gets one tattoo or does one drug, they are out of my will. That’s it.”
“Remember, God gives his toughest battles to his hottest shoulders.”
“Do people at school talk to you? Or are they just confused about what comes out of your mouth?”
“He told me he’s a communist but like Stalin, not Marx.”
“So many of these people could be really pretty if I, like, gave them a makeover.”
“Sue [Ikenberry] was dumpster-diving one day, and she found all this stuff.”
“I mean, it’s obviously bad he’s racist, but if he would just give me the A… I wouldn’t care.”
“I like how casual his feet are in the picture. That was so cute to me.” Speaking of Head of School Russell Shaw.
“That actually was sending me in such a spiral because I need to have a romantic Italian summer before it becomes fascist again.”
“It could be a Saturday Night Live skit if it was funny, but I can’t figure out the funny part.”
“Were you, like, surprised that you got in?”
“Every so often my mom will just be like looking on The Augur Bit and she’ll say, ‘When’s Annabel publishing another comedy article?’”