LEAKED: Editor-in-Chief/Managing Editor Application, Circa 2021

Everyone knows the Bit suppresses true talent. Last year, they just threw out my editor-in-chief application because those in power felt threatened by it. The world deserves to know the truth, so, as elections for the next head editors approach, I climbed into the dumpster behind the Brazilian Army Commission to find this classified document so the world can finally know who was supposed to be editor-in-chief this year. 

Current staff members will vote to elect the paper’s senior leadership if they are in good standing. If you want to run for editor-in-chief/managing editor, fill out this form, and we will send it to all voters before the elections take place. Before the elections, the candidates will be expected to give a speech in front of the staff. Note that candidates must have at least one year of experience working for the paper and at least four articles published, two of which must be reported pieces.

Name: Annabelle Ros Hilsenrath (pictured below)

Grade: ten, for all intents and purposes

Photo courtesy of Annabel Hilzenrath.

Current Position on Paper: i dont really know honestly

Years of Experience: like one

Number of Articles Published: two to 3 depending on how you count it

Favorite Journalist: I am partial to Dr. Seuss’s reporting on one fish and blue fish. 

“Spotlight” or “All The President’s Men”?: all the president’s men. Dc represent!!!!

Please respond to each question at or under the word count written in parentheses. 

Ive actually decided to ignore the word count suggestion, but thanks so much!

How does the journalism expression “comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable” apply to the work you have done on the Bit? How can the paper better practice this ideal? (200)

we can comfort the afflicted by writing them cards C4C style, telling them to turn their frowns upside down! we can also send them goodie bags with the cards containing something like brownies. and epipens too in case they are allergic to brownies. we could afflict the comfortable better by giving them brownies without epipens. HA TAKE THAT, COMFORTABLE. we could also afflict them through blackmail or kidnapping or even robbery. i dont think we do enough of that on the But already.   in my work for the Bit, i try to afflict the comfortable by barking at people in the hallways or during interviews i conduct–specifically, barking like a corgi. to counter, i do my best to comfort the afflicted by meowing at them instead. i dont know much about cats, so i meow like a generic cat, not a specific type. 

What original ideas and plans do you believe you can successfully implement during your term? How do you plan to do so? (200)

I want to start clubs within the Aufer But to foster community within our community. We will have our own club fair, and members of the Augur Bit club can walk around and sign up for clubs within just our club, like the AUgur Bit Bowling Club. That one will happen to meet at Nail Studio in downtown Bethesda every Firday at 9pm. That way, people from different sections of the paper can form stronger bonds and in the future, people will be more talkative during staff meetings because everyone is friends, preventing the Bit leadership from being able to lead and talk about stuff because   everyone is too preoccupied talking with their friends. Having more friends will make everyone happier, improving mental health on the Augur Bit and, therefore, leading to more production of better articles. I also want to take initiative in having the Augur Bit design and cultivate a carrot farm of the roof of the Wilson High School building, because it seems that space is generally wasted and we could be doing good for the planet Earth with it. If we are able to get more publicity and attention for good deeds like planting carrots on public rooves, we can attract more of an audience to our website, growing our spectacular paper the platform it deserves to report for truth and afflict more of the comfortable. 

Why should you be in a senior leadership position for the Bit? (100)

Reasons you should vote me as next AugBit team captain:

  • I know everything there is to know about journalism first hand; I make a point to attend the awarding of the Ridenhour prizes at the National Press Club each year, which recognize whistle-blowing and outstanding journalism
  • I was paper-plate-awarded Most Likely to Never Get Covid on the girls JV tennis team this season
  • I was nominated for Most Likely to Become Famous at the Camp W*K 2019 Winkie Awards, where everyone is nominated for something. I didn’t win, but there are rumors i was a close fifteenth for the prize at Camp Wingate*Kirkland, population: 2
  • I have a solid B- in Ed Stern’s precalculus extended class
  • Ive grown up with journalism. The first article i ever read was at age two and a half about the great Institutionalized Sourcing of Molecular Radioactive participles and Barack Obama’s efforts to cover it up from the public. I read it to a crowd of turkeys in my grandparents backyard, who were moved to tears upon my dramatic telling of the scandal
  • I have leadership skills like being good during a crisis. once,   i fearlessly led my pack to survival from the scary froot loops and the even scarier guy offering them, all amidst three tornadoes nontheless
  • I love the Auguft But with my whole entire heart
  • the bit extends past me to my whole family—my mom was recently interviewed by some junior who id never heard of for it

Unedited version of article you are proudest of writing:

Sun it shines

Just like Mickey Mouse’s eyes

Mickey climbs trees