As we usher in the 2018-19 school year, we should all keep in mind the guidelines of formatting an all-school email. Seeing as many of them will inevitably be sent, we here at The Augur Bit have created a five-step solution to ensure that our readers will be able to create the most effective all-school email.
Step 1: Choosing a topic
This is the step that happens before composing the email and is the most important.
Whether you’ve lost your favorite water bottle, your bubbe’s ring that she smuggled through Ellis Island, or your dignity, you’ll probably want to send out an all school email. Make sure it’s something either incredibly valuable or entirely worthless, but NOT anything in between.
Alternatively, you could inform all 500+ students and faculty about your fun new club. Make sure it’s not legitimate and will have only one meeting before inevitably fizzling out of existence. The club should focus on important topics such as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, napping, or Jewish culture.
Step 2: Deciding who to send the email to
The whole school. That was in the title and you’re dumb. Next!
Step 3: Crafting a subject line
One would call this step “the most important step.”
Any good subject line should BE IN ALL CAPS, contain emojis, or display a combination of the two. The more clickbait-y the wording, the better.
EXAMPLES OF BAD SUBJECT LINES:
Academic Committee Meeting Today
Free Bagels at Jewish Culture Club!
Missing pearl earring
HS Athletic Schedule (9/13)
EXAMPLES OF GOOD SUBJECT LINES:
GDS BANS ALL BOOKS?!?! nsfw 18+
GOD IS DEAD?!?:*( (free food at Jewish Culture Club room 104)
HS ATHLETIC SCHEDULE 9/13 (YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!?)
These improved subject lines are 76% more likely to have your email be opened. You’re welcome!
Step 4: Writing the email
All of the other steps are less important than this one, thus making this step the most important step.
For club emails, make sure your language is as incendiary as possible. As we all know, nothing draws a larger crowd than the expectation of conflict. We all love to spill the tea, as they say, but there will be no Chamomile on the counter without some racist/sexist undertones or Israel-Palestine shoutouts.
For instance, why say “Come to Aspiring Doctors Club!” when you could say “Come to Aspiring Doctors Club! (Girls too).” Or, spice up “Come to Avatar Club tomorrow!” with “Avatar Club Meeting Tomorrow! Free Free Palestine :0.” Controversy is sure to generate endless replies to the same all-school thread. At your next meeting, you’ll have plenty of students RTF (ready to fight).
There is also an ENTIRELY different way to write a “lost and found” all-school email. Make sure that there is a complete lack of detail. No one wants to get down in the nitty-gritty details. Keep it vague!
Don’t say: “Lost: Purple Nalgene water bottle with white cap and Vineyard Vines stickers. Last seen in the back of the Internet Cafe.”
Do say: “Lost: Drinking vessel. Idk the colors bc im color blind :[ . Whale? Lost maybe on the 1st floor? Could also be in coffee nature w/Joesef O. I need it back cause ya boi’s dehydrated. Free Palestine.”
Also, People love a good acronym. ES (enough said).
Step 5: Getting replies
This for sure is the most important step.
Any good email chain must have replies that continue well into the next day. Bonus points if several members of the faculty get on and passive aggressively tell you to go to sleep. Each reply should contain a joke that is ANF (actively not funny). The more people fighting, the better you’ve done. The more replies telling everyone to “stop hitting reply-all,” the greater your success.
There you have it, folks. Follow these five steps and you’ll have email chain success! And as always, Abolish Freedom of the Press.
Your expert senior email-senders,
Lucy and Cole
By Lucy Walker and Cole Wright-Schaner