With the publication of Michael Wolff’s new book, Fire and Fury, the public received a window into the administration of Donald Trump. It shocked readers, and gave a wild insight into how the nation is run. The young journalists at The Augur Bit were inspired to do the same: this is our tell-all article exposing the secrets of the administration of the Georgetown Day High School. Relying on hidden microphones and unnamed sources, we journalists are providing our trusted readers with information we think the public needs to know. The details, in the opinion of this journalist, are truly shocking.
Most students would think that an acclaimed private school such as GDS would be run like a tight ship, but the details of our budget, for instance, are truly confusing. A staggering 64.2% of the budget actually goes into installing more TVs on campus. According to one snippet, Bobby Asher will discreetly add one TV somewhere in the building after each major break to “establish dominance.” Another 14% goes into the La Croix budget for the staff. A grandiose 24% goes into “freshmen optimism,” and the final 3.2% goes into buying Quinn those checkered shirts. How this adds up to 103.6%, this journalist doesn’t know, but an anonymous source overheard that Katie Gibson plans to “hit the jackpot” in HQ to add an extra $2,500 to the budget.
When it comes to the lives of the staff, The Augur Bit discovered some more shocking information. For instance, do you ever wonder where all the staff go at night? An uninformed person might think they go home but, really, they all sneak down to the basement, and sleep there upside down like bats. Seem weird? Well, they’re contractually obligated. Wake up, sheeple! And that’s not the only contract a staff member can be bound to. Will Ley is contractually obligated to hide behind a pillar during every assembly until there’s a technological problem, during which all other staff members within a ten foot radius must awkwardly ask if he needs assistance, knowing full well he does not.
But that’s not all. Remember the gaga pit that Quinn had students construct a few years back? One might assume that it’s unused because the Israeli ball game never caught on but, for the administration, it has a secret purpose. At the end of each quarter, in the dead of night, Chris Levy and Bobby Asher partake in their quarterly boxing match, which all the staff must attend and bet money on. This is how the staff receives their holiday bonuses. Staff who fail to comply with their contracts “mysteriously” vanish. Ever wonder where Martin Bullock, Elena Crosley, Harold Newton, or Tom Yoder went? Wonder no more, GDS. Teachers like Nathan Vish, Brooke Coleman, and Sarah Redmond apparently committed less egregious offenses, and were allowed to return under the guise of “maternity or paternity leave.”
The information in this report was surprisingly easy to get. From simply sitting inside the ficus in Russell Shaw’s office, I learned the real reason why campus planning hasn’t started yet: GDS teachers need the abandoned Safeway as “a place to scream.” After teaching particularly frustrating classes or receiving a bad batch of papers, teachers will frequently go to the abandoned grocery store and let out their emotions into the void. Another inhibiting factor is Russell’s attempted budgeting of the renovation in Bitcoin, which so far hasn’t worked for him, despite the fact that he’s a secret Bitcoin millionaire.
Everything reported in this article is extremely true, and was collected over the span of three days. The GDS community deserves to know what is being kept from us, and The Augur Bit will continue with updates on this story, provided that we can get issues out more than once a semester. Stay vigilant, Hoppers.
By Lucy Walker 19